I am in love and it's Beautiful

Contributor: Havisha Khurana

I’ve been in love

It’s a beautiful feeling. 

But love suffocates me – the idea of love I had believed in suffocated me. 

***

Of how young boys and girls are made convinced that there’s someone made for them and only them, and how they must wait for that someone.

Of how often I’ve heard people saying that they feel lonely and no one loves them because love from family and friends doesn’t count, and there’s an ‘Ishq-wala love’ out there.

Of how this love I am talking about, in my age at least, manifests from physical attraction and leads to physical intimacy – of bodies meeting, exploring, filling, freeing.

Of how love has become some kind of validation – my body, my brain, my behavior, my personality, my dreams, all wait for someone’s approval.

Of how most people I met expressed their love through every day long late night chats, followed by plans to meet over coffee, our hands accidentally touching, our eyes meeting, the adrenaline rushing, and then taking me into the arms, pulling my hair back, pushing me into the wall, lifting my chin up, pressing their bodies into mine, where the lips would meet, move, melt and you’ll find your soul mate.

Of how this love I described, however seductive, passionate and completing it may seem, suffocates me for I am not yet healed, five years and counting, but I am yet to heal and not many people I met could wait.

Of how I know that love is beautiful but love is not for me.

***

Hi, I am Havisha and this is my story!

In December 2016, I went for a 9-day rural immersion program called Gramya Manthan, to Pedhambli – a village in Gujarat, and there, I discovered love.

It is hard to explain the procedure of this discovery – did it start with the ‘fall-back challenge’ when I stood on a 4 ft high wall and fell for my team to hold me by making a network through their hands; or did I take the first step when I went around the village looking for a home to stay over for a night and found that everyone is so welcoming; or was it when I ate the dinner on one plate with the members of the family hosting me, sang and danced and slept on the floor with them;

"or was it through the ‘Red-Blue’ game we played when I realized that I don’t give second chances easily and if my trust breaks, it breaks forever; or did something change during the silent dinner when it triggered me that it’s not anyone else I don’t give a second chance to."

Red-Blue game. The transformation, as I can now reflect, began from this game.
Meet team BAJRA

But it’s me – of how I have not given myself a second chance with love; or did I undergo a change when we dig a pit in the village for women to throw their unclean, sanitary clothes (for it was a taboo in their community to re-use the cloth) so that animals won’t feed on them and the place will look tidier; or did something happen when I let my insecurity go and shared in the circle that my wounds and darkness could serve; or was it when I became completely comfortable with everyone and spoke freely, danced freely, sang freely. I don’t exactly know what processes – sessions, conversation, or activities, led to this discovery. But I distinctly remember when it hit me – that I no longer was going to wait for that someone to come in my life, I want to be in love with everything that’s already there and with everything that’ll come.

Havisha with her host family member. 

How much can you trust with your eyes closed?
'Session on System Thinking'

Service Learning in village Pedhambli.

In Conversation with Kiran Bir Sethi, Riverside School.

At the culmination of the program, we went for a walking pilgrimage, called the peace walk. At this time I was thinking of the letter I had written to myself (another activity) describing that one person I was really attracted towards and how I will never tell them about my attraction for I know where it’ll all go, and reminded myself of how love is not for me. Caught in these thoughts, I reached the end and saw something unbelievable. Since we were walking barefoot, two members were waiting for us with a container of water to wash our feet and a towel to wipe it. All my thoughts stopped. They looked at me and gestured to come, I moved my head to communicate that I’m not comfortable with the entire idea and hence, don’t want to participate in it. The warmth in Kishan Bhai's eyes (the one washing everyone’s feet) moved me. He looked at me compassionately and blinked his eyes with a nod. I moved ahead for my turn as tears gathered in my eyes.

What my Secret Santa Manasi Joshi gave me .

“This is how I want to love. This is the love I want to practice in my life.” I told myself.

"GM taught me that love is about give and take. You take love with open arms from wherever it comes your way, and give it to everyone who’s around you - it is ‘one to many’. Love is not a transaction wherein a record of gives and takes has to maintained or balanced, ‘who loves more’ is never the question. And then, I freed myself from my own cage.

I am in love and it’s beautiful!"