Glimpses of a Real Indian Wedding

Contributor: Shashank

For long, a wedding for me meant food and an outing if it was of someone not closely related; wedding in a close relation, meant family get-together, listening to the elders gossip about each other and of-course food. Lately, music, dance and taking photos was added to the list that excited me about an Indian wedding.

In the latest phase, just before I went to this wedding (that is the focal point of this particular sharing) I began to be cynical about the way wedding process happened. Every ritual (reet/rasam), I believe, would have a logical reason, as per the time it must have originated. For instance, I can rationally think, what must have been the reason behind the bridegroom perched on a mare (ghodi), it would have been that with all the stuff worn by him, to walk to the venue of the wedding (that was generally bride’s home or village), it could have turned out a bit tedious, hence, the mare. Now, the bridegroom would not go alone, therefore, accompanied by dear ones. Why go without explicitly exuding happiness. Hence, the celebration with bands and music, that might have been how evolution of baraat took place. Attached to it, the ceremony (rasam) of ghudchadi.

I do not have a textual basis to any of the above, just observation and rationality because I have come to believe that all the structures that we today relate to ceremonies/rituals (with the argument that, this is how its been done since ages, without understanding the underlying meaning) and some to superstition, have a logical and rational basis, of course in the time they originated. It has all rusted over several centuries as their basis was no longer relevant in the changing times and a marked lack of meaningful communication between two generations in the families. I have cautiously used the word rusted. Because like in the process of corrosion, the top layer of iron due to reaction with atmospheric oxygen and water, becomes flaky and disintegrates, covering the real thing; similarly with the changing times the culture disintegrates, these flaky layers of culture, when held on to, in the name of tradition or religion or custom, give rise to a situation where cultures become bit hollow and lose its true substance. For instance, the ceremony of Haldi must have seen its origin in the fact that the bride must look beautiful on her big day with flawless skin, but beauty parlors and artificial facelift, emerging and now dominating the scene, have made the ritual, well just a ritual.

Rituals without the heart underneath are well, just rituals

Okay, that is not something that irritated me about Indian weddings (in my experiences). The more important part is a true feeling of happiness, that remains absent. Another relevant example is that of the ritual of milni(wherein just before the baraat enters the venue, material gifts are exchanged between various relatives of the two sides). What I can think (as the name also suggests), is that the reason must been that the two sides interact with each other (in a happy exchange) and probably present each other with whatever they wished to express feeling of love and acceptance. In the last wedding before this one, when I noticed a marked sense that both sides engaged in milni just for the sake of it; And more importantly, it seemed, for getting them clicked, I felt myself agitated. 

Thus, no offence to culture and tradition of Indian wedding, I concluded, unconsciously, that I did not find myself enjoying the weddings and they became just an event for me.

But then came the game changer. July 17. The day of love marriage of one of my cousin sisters. In the days preceding the big day, though I didn’t go to their hometown where my Masi lives and all the previous action happened. Yet I consciously thought to re-define somethings for myself (to begin with). Firstly, the decision not to buy any new clothes for the wedding. It was just to address the initial superiority-inferiority contest, when everybody comes out dressed for the occasion. And the urge that follows to represent ourselves smartly, while we get us clicked. With the decision to not buy any new set of clothing, I thought, that I would beat the impulse to show-off. And the second was to avoid representative photography of myself. 

Incidentally, I happened to watch a TED talk by Vidhi Jain, Co-Founder Shikshantar Andolan, where she talks about demonetizing and de-economizing learning relationships. (the main context was creating learning ecosystems). Taking it a step further, something dawned on me, to apply it to any relationship. And the confluence of celebrating relationship, a wedding could have been a good eve to experiment.

Blessed with this optimism and spirit, I reached the epicenter, in Noida. One of the first beautiful moments that unfolded were, that of my interaction with my maternal Uncle (bride’s father). He has had a reputation of being in a constant phase of annoyance and exhibiting repulsion to love. Somehow, I could approach him and made an effort to genuinely listen to him and asked about his health and any work that I could do; followed by an exchange of thoughts in a small general conversation. And a great response motivated me, to do the same quite a few more times, throughout the proceedings. And to my surprise, I could connect to him very well. The peak of the beauty was when I was sitting during the ceremony of fare and he sat behind me on a chair. He with all the feeling of belongingness (hak) kept his feet on my lap and asked me to massage them. I enjoyed the moments that followed. And felt grateful.

(I am suddenly feeling, interestingly surprised in translating hindi words (hak, paer dabana) into English ;) funny it is :P) 

Another beautiful part was conversations. With the energy and understanding that I keep getting from the wonderful Youth Alliance family, I could engage in a thoughtful conversation with some people. The beginning was mostly the question that they asked what am I doing these days? And also, my conscious effort to tell them about the idea of Youth Alliance especially to the young ones (below 45 years of age). Though, I cannot say that full meaning could be conveyed to each of them but it marked the beginning of them understanding our work and beginning to respect it and for me, to understand and value the psyche and find ways to convey the point. One of them, was super encouraging, with a Jiju who is a orthopedic in Delhi. I have come to respect him for being extremely humble and extremely sharp. A general perception in our family is that he is too shy and introvert and quiet gentleman. He seemed to understand all, and he responded positively and unlike some others who asked me, acha vo toh theek hai, kama kitna lete ho?. He encouraged me to delve deeper and pursue it. And not give up in between. 

One of my Maasis, whose son is my age, made it a point to make feel that I am slightly less successful than her son, each time we happened to talk. My cousin, an IIT-ian, has recently joined a software company paying a hefty sum,  and by far the highest for a fresh graduate in our family. I felt highly exasperated inside, but all I did was smile. Probably, at the right time I would be able to explain to her what is it that is making me do this and how fulfilling this experience is. 

One of the habits, which I think we develop primarily due to our education system (due to the focus on individual achievement), is that of proving oneself superior to another. By this I mean, to be able to whimsically answer at that very point, a taunt or a criticism, gets high regard and even a laugh by the on-lookers. Or maneuvering to coerce someone to do something to your advantage and then showing it off, is also a talent not many possess. Wedding, a social sub-system had it all. From the learning and love that I have been able to cultivate for people from our YA community, I tried to address it, when I got involved in it. Its too abstract, isn’t it. So, at one of the moments, while we, a group of 9-10 young cousins got ourselves clicked on the stage with the couple. Later, one of our cousins (bride's elder sister) asked us to get down the stage, so that a picture could be clicked of the immediate family, on the stage. I just happened to comment, we are also your family yaar. And another cousin murmured on our side, ab dekho kaise kichwane denge, inki family photo.

But something made me uncomfortable about this, so after hesitating for long, I could go to her and say, that was a playful yet genuine remark; and this marked the beginning of another good conversation. She teaches in a school in Gurgaon, later we even shared our thoughts on challenges of dealing young kids in school. Sahi tha. 

Picture from another wedding, I hope it isn't clear enough. 

One last thing before I close, this was a love marriage and an inter-caste one. The first love marriage and the first inter-caste marriage in our whole family lineage. So it was a huge struggle for the couple to sail through. Apparently all arrangements, of the venue, food etc were actively initiated and looked after by them both. Six of us, young cousins, all in our early 20s, understood what it meant. So we decided to express our gratitude to them for fighting it all (and making the way for us easier ;) ) and acknowledge the history that was in the making. But the idea came, an hour and a half before. But it was a heart-felt desire. So all that was available was put to use. Foil paper became the base, a side of a sweet box to strengthen it from inside, flowers added beauty to it, steel wires were used in place of fevicol, to stick flowers to the base, we asked people to write the way they thought about this history. So there we were with messages from a neice who is about 8 years old to my mom, who is 50. We had some 15 messages tied together with a plastic rope and hung on the card, passed on quietly to the bride cousin, after fere. Like Jayesh Bhai says, the environment is purified with tears of compassion. We actually saw, those tears beautifying the environment and touching each one of ours heart, as she read the first few messages. She could not read beyond 3-4 messages at that point, she had another ritual to do, we hope she reads them sooner. 

This wedding, made me feel more connected, more grounded, more happy and more real. That is why, It gave me a glimpse of what a real Indian wedding may mean. And this attempt to experiment in de-economizing (and probably de-monetizing) relations in a not so congenial environment strengthened my belief in the power of genuine love.

Oh my friend, all that you see of me is a shell, the rest belongs to love. ― Rumi